“The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That’s like someone running over your dog and saying, ‘Don’t worry, my car is fine.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re capturing it with ducks.” —Jimmy Fallon

“A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden’s house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis.” —Jimmy Fallon

“BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The speech was televised on all the networks. Fox had to move ‘American Idol’ tonight to accommodate it, which is outrageous. But that’s why it was smart that Obama opened by singing “Living on a Prayer.’ Even Simon liked it, it was very well done.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We begin tonight in Washington, where Barack Obama has most likely just finished his address to the nation, no doubt shocking observers with his call for a global Christian crusade. I don’t think anybody saw that coming. And he also introduced the poverty relief program that included a plan to, this is interesting, lift the societal taboos on eating adorable animals. He actually ended his speech tonight with the phrase, ‘We’re coming for you, kittens. And we’re bringing the A-1.’” –Jon Stewart

“So, why did Obama go to Canada? [on screen: Obama, speaking from Ottawa, at first says it's 'a great pleasure to be here in Iowa,' before correcting himself quickly]. He went to Canada on the first trip because he can mess up there! It’s Canada. It’s the diplomatic equivalent of a preseason game.” –Jon Stewart

“You’re working on your fundamentals. You get to practice the airport meet and greet, get to do a little state walk, try not to giggle at eccentric locals … and, of course, the traditional signing of the guest book? [on screen: Obama signing the guestbook in Canada]. Canada has world leaders sign their guest book? Are you a country, or a bed and breakfast?” –Jon Stewart

“All in all, Obama spent, and this is true, seven hours in Canada. Ranking his first diplomatic trip on our ‘How Long Americans Stay in Canada Scale,’ above a firecracker/prescription drug run, and just below an underage Montreal bachelor party.” –Jon Stewart

“So, while Obama faces many challenges, he himself still presents a challenge to the Republican party. How will they be able to counter his unique popularity and message of change? Perhaps they’ll do it with their new selection for GOP chairman Michael Steele. … What is it about Steele that’s got Republicans so excited? [on screen: Newt Gingrich saying he'll bring 'energy and drive' to the GOP, and Ron Christie saying the fact that he's black is 'a bonus']. What? That is true, I mean, when has being black not been a bonus? But I think they prefer to be called ‘bonus Americans.’” –Jon Stewart

“Tonight is President Obama’s first address to Congress. I’m TiVo-ing it, don’t tell me who won. I certainly hope he was a little more optimistic than he has been [on screen: Obama's past dire warnings about the economy]. It’s all part of his plan to stimulate the economy through sales of Paxil.” –Stephen Colbert

“What is the matter, Mr. President? Was hope forced to resign due to tax problems? There is good news to report out there [on screen: news reports that Wall Street has 'turned the clock back to 1997']. It’s 1997! [on screen: Colbert dances to Hanson's 'Mmm Bop'] Folks, Ross and Rachel are back together. We are desperately keeping our Tamagotchis alive, and we know the stock market still has a couple of primo bubbles ahead of it” –Stephen Colbert