A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Josh Billings

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.
Satchel Paige

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Charles M. Schulz

“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist

but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If “Q” were castrated, would he become “O”?

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

What’s another word for synonym?

So what’s the speed of dark?

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding,
what is it expanding into?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior
when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is it that in the US:
If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi,
terrified citizens will phone the police and report: “There’s a naked person outside!”

Organ Thieves
This legend involves a male college student who attends a party and has a few beers. He meets an attractive girl who invites him to go to another party. He agrees, so she takes him to another apartment where they continue to drink and take illegal drugs. The guy blacks out and wakes up completely nude in a bathtub filled with ice. He is completely alone in the apartment. He starts to get out of the tub and notices a note written in lipstick on his chest. It reads, “Call 911 or you will die.” He notices a phone beside the tub, so he picks it up and dials. He explains his situation to the 911 operator saying that he doesn’t know where he is, what he took, or why he is really calling. The operator tells him to get out of the tub and look in the mirror at his back. He does and notices two 9 inch slits on his lower back. She tells him to get back in the tub immediately and wait for a rescue crew. After being examined, he finds out that his kidneys have been stolen. They are worth $10,000 each on the black market. Apparently, the second party had been a sham and the people involved were medical students. Now the guy is in the hospital on life support waiting for a spare kidney.

Killing over Holiday Break
This legend involves two female roommates who remain at their deserted college dormitory over a holiday break. One of the girls decides to go out on a date, while the other roommate chooses to stay in and go on to bed. Later that night, the sleeping girl is awakened by gurgling and scratching noises coming from the dormitory hallway. The girl gets really scared, so she locks the door and hides in her closet until morning. When the girl finally opens the dorm door, she discovers the corpse of her roommate in the hallway. Her throat had been slit, and there were scratches on the door where she had been clawing to try to get in the dorm room. In some versions, the dead girl’s fingernails have been ground down to bloody stumps, and the frightened roommate’s hair turns white overnight from the shock.