If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- Management speak has never been more truthful.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Sounds like an army corporal’s introduction speech.
A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.
The perfect reply for when your boss asks you to do something dumb (if you want to get fired)
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
- Unless your job is being a priest.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Paste this on someone’s comment when they say something idiotic or controversial!
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
- Know anybody who’s getting divorced in the near future? Let them know you’re thinking about them…
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- Unless they’re really bad at their job, of course…
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
- If you ever see a green glowing tabby, steer clear of it.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Best friend, confidante, drug dealer.
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
- A lot of people on my friends list never go outside, so this won’t apply to them.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
- I hate it when you get what you wish for!
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- The only crime that is worse than being caught having sex with an animal. Just
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
- The perfect answer to ‘OMG I’M GETTING MARRIED status updates’.
